Beginnings New and Old

​I don't like the pressure of a first blog post.  It'll get better, I promise.  All the writing I have done has lead me here. Among other things.  I sit here for an unknown length of time, unknown because the baby is sleeping.  

Let me just dive right in.  I feel no need to explain my credentials because I'd be trying to convince myself. I don't need convincing.  Let's just say I have learned a lot and life has given me many experiences.  Many of which will probably come up as I write.  

What is on the top of my mind lately is my mother.  You may be asking how this relates to yoga?  To me everything is yoga everything is yoking, everything is one.  Yoga is the journey to one point and for me that one point is my heart and my heart is God or Ram.  Stick with me.  You might be more or less confused but you will have stuck with me and that is true commitment. 

My mom.  She is unreachably mentally ill.  What does that mean?  I guess it means she is someone you'd call a crazy person, like a real one that sometimes talks to things that aren't there.  I haven't seen her in about 12 years.  She has been on my mind because I have moved into a different phase of letting go of her.  My hope will always flicker but I have let go in a way that I can really love her.  Love her in a way that my gratitude for her is expansive.  She gave me life and I have never loved my life more.  She lead the way for me to be me.  She introduced me to me heart, opened the world of soul for me.  She gave me so much. 

When she was "normal" she was loved by many.  She was the go to mom.  She was generous with her time and with trying to help people.  She was beautiful.  At one point in my life, I was around 22 or 23 she was at this wonderful place in her life and I remember coming home to visit her and she was glowing.  She had reversed aging.  She had this youthful way about her.  She was wearing non mom jeans.  I know they are in style again but the ones that existed in the early 2000's did not do anything nice for the body.  She was radiant and it made my heart so happy.

I went through periods of time convincing myself I was nothing like her because I was afraid of what was happening to her. It was fucking scary.  I am jumping from place to place here but I am just allowing my mind and my heart and these words to do what they want.  It was scary witnessing her screaming at an empty room.  She didn't know I was there.  It left me shaking.  It was scary to lose my mom when I was 25, right when I began my own family. It was scary to not understand why it was happening and to not be able to help her.

I don't know when and if I will get a call that she is ill or that she died.  Sometimes I imagine her healthy and living it up somewhere warm.  Maybe I'll write stories of her "what if" life someday.  What if she was the manager of a hotel in Hawaii?  Doing her thing, greeting people, reading people, and looking out the window to breathe in the beautiful sunset...or  Maybe she is deeply in love somewhere gazing into the eyes of her long lost lover as they sweep her off her feet for a romantic getaway.

I believe and know we are all connected energetically and in other ways.  So this new level of being that I am at in regard to letting go of my mother feels healing.  I can send her reiki and imagine her in this image of love.  Imagination is infinite and as Ram Dass alluded to, who says its fake?  It's a beautiful space to create and float in.  In that space I love my mom so much.  She deserves to be remembered as someone who made a difference because I heard her heart and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't follow mine.  I made a commitment years ago that I would not squander my life.  I believe I am capable creating and spreading love as far as I can imagine.  

My baby sleeping in the chair, she is pure love.  My older babies, they are pure love.  They are an extension of me and are an extension of my mom.  I think our purpose here on earth is so much bigger than we can imagine and actually extends much further than earth.  If I am an extension of my mom than I am also an extension of all of my ancestors since the beginning of time.  I have and am doing my best to honor the soul legacy and also heal the karma and trauma that I may have carried forward from my ancestors, making way for new and loving ways to be.  I see everything that I am and do as my path for generating greater love and present moment awareness and gratitude.

Ram Ram Ram